Seriously?

Okay, so I bought the New Moon soundtrack, ’cause hey! Death Cab, Muse, Thom Yorke, The Killers, OK Go? That overpowered even my intense hatred of the books and overwhelming boredom with 98% of each movie. But now this is getting ridiculous. Here’s most of the band list for Twilight: Eclipse‘s soundtrack:

Muse
The Bravery
Florence & the Machine (whose song “I’m So Heavy” is pretty damn good)
The Black Keys
Dead Weather
Vampire Weekend
UNKLE
Band of Horses
Cee Lo Green.
Which means I’ll be getting this one as well, but here’s the thing. Something’s been bothering me about these soundtracks for a while, and I’ve been assuming it was just because of the obvious. You know, we’ve come a long way from the days of The Crow where the soundtrack first surpassed but still enhanced the film. Now we’re at the point where, pointedly, the Eclipse soundtrack eclipses Eclipse the movie by so far that it’s actually enough to drive a person mad.
But that’s not what’s bothering me, even though it’s very close. It’s not so much an overall quality thing so much as it is a sentiment thing. If the soundtracks were filled with awesome bands or extremely popular acts of any other kind, I wouldn’t be bothered at all. OK Go is actually the only band that can tip-toe on this line, but if Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, My Chemical Romance, or any of countless other teen-focused or angst-ridden bands of the last decade contributed, I would still get the record, but be far less confused. My guilt level would be as appropriate as it would for having seen the first two films in the first place (the first with Rifftrax on, the second in exchange for getting a girl to watch Buffy, hoping she will convert or at least stick to True Blood). I would enjoy that soundtrack, but keep it to myself. There certainly wouldn’t be a blog entry written about it.
No, what’s bothering me about the artists they’ve chosen is that they seem to have gone out of their way to choose sincere musical artists for their soundtracks. Sincere and mature, of all things. The songs aren’t just better than the movies or the books, they’re richer, more enlightened, and more grown-up, more melancholy inside of 4 minutes than the source material could be with all five of its books completely rewritten. These books are the inane ramblings of a not particularly deep teenage girl coming from a very sheltered life, craving a man who will control and shelter her for the rest of eternity, and obsessively cling to her as much as all of her little sycophantic male friends still. The fantasy of the immature, feminine anima aspect of us all, but not one of a mature adult woman who is healthy, or of anyone without major issues. The music chosen to represent these movies is…well, it’s too knowledgeable, too world-weary, and too honest.
The best kind of songs for something like this is not the songs from the people who brought us “Fake Plastic Trees” or “I Will Follow You into the Dark”. The perfect Twilight soundtrack needs to be music that gives into fantasy, pretends love will last forever and can somehow defeat death, that ignores a hundred years in the field of psychology and pretends there is no such thing as the Electra complex, that tells us everything will be okay if you wait till you’re married to have sex, and that the whiter someone is, the more special they are, and is naive enough to not realize that all of this is Mormon parable. Also, can we get a little age appropriate here, please? Most of the audience for these movies should not know who Thom Yorke, UNKLE, or Muse are, okay? There are bands they would recognize and would be more appropriate, however.
Here’s the bands that would actually enhance the experience of Twilight:
1. Evanescence
2. Creed
3. Flyleaf
4. Paramour
5. My Chemical Romance
6. Fall Out Boy
7. Panic at the Disco
8. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
9. Breaking Benjamin
10. Dashboard Confessional
11. Taylor Swift
12. The Jonas Brothers
13. Celine Dion
Because, make no mistake, this is The Crow being ratnerfucked by Titanic and making a weird, new Hybrid Suck Fetus of Awful for the new generation.
*PS: What are these kids called, anyway? Are they Generation Z? If so, that’s retardant. I think Generation “I” would be more accurate. Ah, well.
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