The Superman Effect

So — I think we all know what this means. Zack Snyder has the hots for Matthew Goode.

Look at the evidence: Zack Snyder, for being not only a comic book fan but also a film director, is incredibly buff and into sporting activities, which is just not natural. Working out a lot…well, it’s a symptom of a few things. I thought he was just one of those geeks that has issues about being a geek, so pretends he’s into jock stuff (which would explain Watchmen), but now I’m not so sure.

He cast Matthew Goode as Ozymandias, who was supposed to be this sort of gentle vegan ultra liberal pacifist type until the last quarter of the story. The fact that Rorschach thinks he might be gay is supposed to be more telling of Rorschach and his assumptions about liberals than it is a character point for Ozymandias. Snyder portrayed him standing in front of Studio 54, speaking with a strange German lisp and Hitler hair in purple with nipples on his outfit. Not exactly subtle, Zack.

So anyway, that would all just be down to interpretation, but I have a long-standing theory that there is a direct correlation between whom a Superman fan casts for Supes and whom they would totally do if they were gay. First off, I plain ole have a hypothesis that all die hard Superman fans (“All-Star Superman” notwithstanding) are closeted homosexuals, latent homosexuals, or homophobic homosexuals. I have no explanation as to why, it is simply an observation that has yet to be proven wrong. Next, whomever they cast as Superman if one were to inquire, is whomever on which they have a homosexual crush. This conclusion comes from the fact that all logic seems to be out the window, and it will, 9 times out of 10, be an actor they talk about / watch the movies of as much as they talk about / read Superman.

Now I’ve cast Superman in different ways, some on this blog — mostly as part of a larger idea, like my role call for Identity Crisis — but there have been reasons, for the most part, that I choose whom I choose. Brendan Fraser, from around the time of the first Mummy, I just think has the goofiness and seriousness to pull of the two completely separate roles. Think Bedazzled Fraser for Clark, School Ties Fraser for Superman. But when I talk about it being Sean Maher now, even I have to admit that part of that is just because I think the man is pretty, wholesome, and has a strong jaw and black hair. Not exactly the best acting requisites. So, maybe if, to quote Norm MacDonald, “if I had to be gay, like, if they made it mandatory one day or something…”

I’m not a Superman fan, big or otherwise, but the none of us are entirely straight, ladies and gentleman, but merely degrees of both. I can dig Superman at times, is what I’m saying.

Well, Donner hired Reeves, which does not implicate him in the Superman Effect — Reeves was perfect casting and just makes too much sense to tell us anything about Donner’s preferences — but Singer hired Routh. While I admire Brandon Routh’s comedic timing in films since Superman Returns, his performance in that film was either coming off as a Reeves impersonation or, well, a little gay. Now, Snyder has been hired. All wrong in my opinion, perhaps because I think Superman and in fact, DC superheroes are homoerotic enough without having anyone with those tendencies that aren’t already dealt with to helm them. Give me a straight guy or a guy who’s completely out of the closet to do a Superman film or a Green Lantern film. Snyder, with his love of Frank Miller and the Spartans and huge muscles and Studio 54…that just leads to more nipples.

Either way, Snyder has been rumored to be casting Matthew Goode as Superman, which would seem to be too much to ignore — he’s hiring the actor who helped him make a sexually ambiguous character out and out gay to play the gayest superhero of them all, and he’s probably gonna be using that whole Green Lantern skintight bodysuit, CG the costume on after technique. Come on, Zack. Sucker Punch isn’t fooling anyone.

I am so glad I got through this whole post without mentioning Dr. Manhattan’s massive blue dong. Shit.