Dean Pelton on Community has been reminding me of someone this whole time, and I just figured it out.
Even their voices.
In light of the recent complete debacle over Edward Norton’s firing from the part of the Hulk, in order to wash the taste from my mouth, I’ve now decided to imagine a world where everyone awesome and not awesome alike is fired from Avengers because Marvel Entertainment, despite now being owned by Disney, continually gets cheaper and cheaper. In this new dimension, Joss is forced to hire mid-level, slightly recognizable actors, but not stars — no, stars have egos to satiate and the power to get paid what they’re worth. No, these actors should have followings but no power, and so will be ridiculously cheap. In other words, Joss’s regular cast of actors.
1. Captain America/Steve Rogers: Nathan Fillion.
2. Iron Man/Tony Stark: David Boreanaz
3. The Incredible Hulk/Bruce Banner: Alexis Denisof
4. Henry Pym/Ant-man, Giant Man, Yellowjacket: Alan Tudyk
5. Donald Blake/Thor: Neil Patrick Harris/Bailey Chase
6. Wasp/Janet Van Dyne: Morena Baccarin
7. Vision: Tahmoh Penikett
8. The Scarlet Witch/Wanda Maximoff: Amy Acker
9. Quicksilver/Pietro Maximoff: James Marsters
10. Hawkeye/Clint Barton: Fran Kranz
11. Black Widow/Natalia Romanov: Christina Hendricks
I have no idea what genetic imperative drives what “type” of girl we’re into, and how. I would suppose it has something to do with missing gene markers, things to correct defects, genetics we’re missing that would strengthen our line. But why do some girls make me fall for them on first glance, while others simply make me so horny that looking at them makes me hump my furniture? Then, there’s that perfect mix — the girl who gets your emotions and your hormones running hot simultaneously, so that you’re ready to kill motherfuckers to mate with them. Some are universal among males 18-dead, but this is about the level of blind lust and the armies I would slay.
So here are the ones that do it for me, to me, and need to make preemptive restraining orders:
8. Kristen Bell: I would stab a puppy right now for another season of Veronica Mars. I would still be watching Heroes if she was on it, and not care. I have nearly gone to see the reTARDed romantic comedies she’s been doing. Luckily, my shame is stronger than my lust. For now.
7. Lily Allen: Since she lost the weight and started eating healthier, she’s gotten so goddamn cute I want to hump a rainbow. True story.
6. Rose MacGowan: I know what you’re thinking. I know she’s batshit nuts. I don’t know why I don’t care, I just don’t. Also, usually a cleft chin makes me think, “Tranny!” But I don’t fucking care. Besides, before you judge me, think about Faruza Balk, who I’ve never gotten, personally, but most of you are obsessed with. Basically the same underlying principle.
5. Anna Kendrick: Jesus.
4. Christina Hendricks: If I have to explain this, go destroy your brain, because you are clinically dead yet still able to read this article, so you therefore must be a zombie.
3. Diora Baird: She’s smarter than she looks, but I don’t think I can actually make this assessment since deargodholyshitHOTWTFwhereamI?
2 & 1. Zooey Deschanel/Katy Perry: This pretty much counts as the same attraction. They are so the same type of girl physically I couldn’t give them each their own number. Zooey gets all my intellectual juices flowing, from her indie rock to her cutsie ways, but mostly it’s the eyes, the bangs, the voice. Her voice is like some sort of weird siren call. Whenever she talks I can’t think straight. Katy is dumb as a bag of rock salt with bigger tits, but has the same eyes and hair and basic face construction. Basically, she’s what the id-driven monkey somewhere deep inside me wants, and Zooey is the intellectualized version.
The girls are always getting on our case about the whole Olsen twins thing (of which I was never a part), and Hermione (who still has about a year of baking to do before she’s my type), even Natalie Portman for some reason even though I’m the same age. I’m starting to worry about the whole Dakota Fanning thing. She’s playing Cherie Curry and…well, I’m afraid. But I’m going to do something for you, ladies. I’m going to show you what it’s like to feel dirty, old, and wrong. Here is Nicholas Hoult, in 2002’s About a Boy:
And here is Nicolas Hoult today:
You’re welcome, now leave me the fuck alone.