The Superman Effect

So — I think we all know what this means. Zack Snyder has the hots for Matthew Goode.

Look at the evidence: Zack Snyder, for being not only a comic book fan but also a film director, is incredibly buff and into sporting activities, which is just not natural. Working out a lot…well, it’s a symptom of a few things. I thought he was just one of those geeks that has issues about being a geek, so pretends he’s into jock stuff (which would explain Watchmen), but now I’m not so sure.

He cast Matthew Goode as Ozymandias, who was supposed to be this sort of gentle vegan ultra liberal pacifist type until the last quarter of the story. The fact that Rorschach thinks he might be gay is supposed to be more telling of Rorschach and his assumptions about liberals than it is a character point for Ozymandias. Snyder portrayed him standing in front of Studio 54, speaking with a strange German lisp and Hitler hair in purple with nipples on his outfit. Not exactly subtle, Zack.

So anyway, that would all just be down to interpretation, but I have a long-standing theory that there is a direct correlation between whom a Superman fan casts for Supes and whom they would totally do if they were gay. First off, I plain ole have a hypothesis that all die hard Superman fans (“All-Star Superman” notwithstanding) are closeted homosexuals, latent homosexuals, or homophobic homosexuals. I have no explanation as to why, it is simply an observation that has yet to be proven wrong. Next, whomever they cast as Superman if one were to inquire, is whomever on which they have a homosexual crush. This conclusion comes from the fact that all logic seems to be out the window, and it will, 9 times out of 10, be an actor they talk about / watch the movies of as much as they talk about / read Superman.

Now I’ve cast Superman in different ways, some on this blog — mostly as part of a larger idea, like my role call for Identity Crisis — but there have been reasons, for the most part, that I choose whom I choose. Brendan Fraser, from around the time of the first Mummy, I just think has the goofiness and seriousness to pull of the two completely separate roles. Think Bedazzled Fraser for Clark, School Ties Fraser for Superman. But when I talk about it being Sean Maher now, even I have to admit that part of that is just because I think the man is pretty, wholesome, and has a strong jaw and black hair. Not exactly the best acting requisites. So, maybe if, to quote Norm MacDonald, “if I had to be gay, like, if they made it mandatory one day or something…”

I’m not a Superman fan, big or otherwise, but the none of us are entirely straight, ladies and gentleman, but merely degrees of both. I can dig Superman at times, is what I’m saying.

Well, Donner hired Reeves, which does not implicate him in the Superman Effect — Reeves was perfect casting and just makes too much sense to tell us anything about Donner’s preferences — but Singer hired Routh. While I admire Brandon Routh’s comedic timing in films since Superman Returns, his performance in that film was either coming off as a Reeves impersonation or, well, a little gay. Now, Snyder has been hired. All wrong in my opinion, perhaps because I think Superman and in fact, DC superheroes are homoerotic enough without having anyone with those tendencies that aren’t already dealt with to helm them. Give me a straight guy or a guy who’s completely out of the closet to do a Superman film or a Green Lantern film. Snyder, with his love of Frank Miller and the Spartans and huge muscles and Studio 54…that just leads to more nipples.

Either way, Snyder has been rumored to be casting Matthew Goode as Superman, which would seem to be too much to ignore — he’s hiring the actor who helped him make a sexually ambiguous character out and out gay to play the gayest superhero of them all, and he’s probably gonna be using that whole Green Lantern skintight bodysuit, CG the costume on after technique. Come on, Zack. Sucker Punch isn’t fooling anyone.

I am so glad I got through this whole post without mentioning Dr. Manhattan’s massive blue dong. Shit.

Joss Whedon’s Avengers

In light of the recent complete debacle over Edward Norton’s firing from the part of the Hulk, in order to wash the taste from my mouth, I’ve now decided to imagine a world where everyone awesome and not awesome alike is fired from Avengers because Marvel Entertainment, despite now being owned by Disney, continually gets cheaper and cheaper. In this new dimension, Joss is forced to hire mid-level, slightly recognizable actors, but not stars — no, stars have egos to satiate and the power to get paid what they’re worth. No, these actors should have followings but no power, and so will be ridiculously cheap. In other words, Joss’s regular cast of actors.

1. Captain America/Steve Rogers: Nathan Fillion.
2. Iron Man/Tony Stark: David Boreanaz
3. The Incredible Hulk/Bruce Banner: Alexis Denisof
4. Henry Pym/Ant-man, Giant Man, Yellowjacket: Alan Tudyk
5. Donald Blake/Thor: Neil Patrick Harris/Bailey Chase
6. Wasp/Janet Van Dyne: Morena Baccarin
7. Vision: Tahmoh Penikett
8. The Scarlet Witch/Wanda Maximoff: Amy Acker
9. Quicksilver/Pietro Maximoff: James Marsters
10. Hawkeye/Clint Barton: Fran Kranz
11. Black Widow/Natalia Romanov: Christina Hendricks

Identity Crisis Casting, pt. 2

11. Bruce Wayne, Batman: Jon Hamm. Jon is playing Bruce Wayne right now, as we speak on AMC’s Mad Men. Go on, I’ll wait. He’s so good he makes you re-think the whole Christian Bale thing, which takes a lot. But he’s in his forties already, which makes him bad for the superhero movie, but perfect for his seniority in IC to make sense. He even looks like the goddamn Rags Morales drawings.

12. Carter Hall, Hawkman: Josh Holloway. Basically, Hawkman grunts a lot, is taller than most of the cast, and punches people, while claiming dominance over the gamma heroes that are left when the big guys are away. Sounds like Sawyer to me.

13. Tim Drake, Robin: Thomas Dekker. I loved The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Come on, they’ve got the same hair, people? Plus, (SPOILER ALERT) he knows how to play someone who’s lost a dad.

14. Captain Boomerang: Chris Bauer. Hey! A villain. A lame one, yes, but still important. His lameness is exactly why he ends up being important, and his attempts at reconnecting with his lovechild he gave up for adoption 20 years ago is one of the very human storylines, and why I say IC is The Wire of comics. Chris himself was in the second season of The Wire, and his role on that, along with his look, are why I’ve chosen him.

15. Calculator: Steve Buscemi. Taking a hint from the Bat-crew’s use of Oracle, this formerly lame villain begins selling strategical information and hiring out mercinary villains as a middle man. It’s about Steve’s usual type of role.

16. Diana Prince, Wonder Woman: Jennifer Connelly. Wonder Woman can’t just be hot. She must be perfect. Beautiful in a way that defies logic, hair blacker than midnight, eyes bright by contrast, strong in will and moral certainty…with an amazing rack. Look, I’m not being sexist here, the fact is one of the ways she enters a scene in IC is with a caption reading, “I was impressed. He wasn’t staring at her rack,” to make clear the intimidation caused by the truth lasso. Anyway, Jennifer’s it, man.

17. Hal Jordan, The Spectre: Nathan Fillion. Other than, at this point Hal had gone evil, then sacrificed himself, only to come back as an angel of vengeance all as part of his plan to be a Green Lantern again (which he eventually succeeded at), do I even have to explain this? The…casting, I mean.

18. Barry Allen, The Flash: Ryan Reynolds. Barry’s dead, and so is relegated to flashbacks where he is only slightly older than Wally is now. I always liked Goyer’s casting of Ryan as The Flash, which is why him being Hal Jordan kind of irritates me.

19. Dr. Light: Alan Tudyk. Before you ask, yes, it was hard not to put the entire cast of Firefly in here. Anyway, the most important villain of the story, but screw you I’m not going back to put him higher, Dr. Light is usually the minor heroes like Teen Titans’ punching bag, but it is revealed he wasn’t always so simple. Alan’s role as (SPOILER ALERT) Alpha on Whedon’s Dollhouse has shown that he can play real evil and truly silly, and switch at a moment’s notice.

20. Slade Wilson, Deathstroke the Motherfucking Terminator: Christian Fucking Bale. The Batman of villains, Deathstroke has enhanced reflexes and strength, and uses 90% of his goddamn brain capacity. By the time you make a move, he’s thought of the counter you’re going to think of to his counter and what to do about the three guys you brought with you’s counters to his moves against them after you’re unconscious. Christian is my choice cuz, well, he’s still the fucking Batman, but now he’s the evil, one-eyed Batman who’s one of the only villains to ever have his own title that outsold most of the primary hero titles.

21. Dick Grayson, Nightwing: James Marsden. This guy’s great, and looks so much like a superhero. Why does he have to keep playing second fiddle to bad-asses? Let’s wash the cyclops taste out of his mouth, and let him work out the aggression over never getting the girl in a superhero movie by letting him be that guy: Dick Grayson, successfully beating his way out of the shadow of the Robin mantle.
22. Arthur King, Merlyn: Jason Patric. Stupidest. Name. Ever. …Anyway, this is basically evil Green Arrow, and is one of the primary antagonists, going with Meltzer’s theme of realistically portraying the mortiest of characters in the DC basement.

23. Starfire: Diora Baird. And finally, my coup de grâce, and probably subconsciously the only reason I did this fucking list. Starfire is realllly hot. She’s orange with solid green eyes and reddish hair. She’s built like a brick shithouse, and she wears next to nothing, and it’s all purple. She is an alien who’s insulted by the word “trock.” She is the only character who is only in two panels of the book I’ve bothered to cast. Diora Baird is one of those people that if I see a picture of her, my entire body raises 4 degrees and I begin breathing heavier. Seriously, I’ll probably go see Stan Helsing simply to watch the ongoing joke of everyone finding excuses to touch her boobs. I mean, come on. Look at her!!

Identity Crisis Casting, pt. 1

So, here it is. HBO miniseries event, “Identity Crisis”, as cast by yours truly. It was rather easy to find normal sized pictures to use of the actors, but next to impossible to find headshots or any sort of shots of Rags Morales’s depictions of said characters, for a side-by-side comparison, so this B & W pic of the version of the JLA from “Identity Crisis” will have to do. The primary characters of IC are what are usually the back-up characters, e.g. Batman and Superman are of mid-level importance to the story, and Wonder Woman is relegated to an almost mythical non-presence — she only shows up to administer the truth lasso, and to pay her respects at the funeral. Hal Jordan (the original Green Lantern) is a ghost, and Barry Allen (the original Flash) is plain dead for this, so any of you not familiar with DC Comics characters past their most iconic and well-known will have NO idea who I’m referring to, and may want to skip this post entirely.

1. Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man: Jim Carrey. The soft-spoken, kindhearted husband to the primary victim of IC, Ralph has the ability to stretch his form and shape, which is used to heartbreaking effect when we see what grief does to someone who has no limits to their facial expression. With a limited amount of CGI, the serious Jim Carrey could pull this off easy.

2. Sue Dibny: Alyson Hannigan. Sue was one of the characters that was harder to cast. I couldn’t think of many actresses who could evoke the type of immediate audience empathy needed. I needed someone who it would break my heart to see killed and burned, whether I knew the character or not, and who was within reasonable age proximity to Jim. The last part is why Zooey Deschanel did not immediately get the role.

3. Oliver Queen, The Green Arrow: Kiefer Sutherland. Well, just look at him. I’m sure Kiefer can grow his dad’s mustache from Buffy. Plus, Jack Bauer plus arrows? Yes.

4. Ray Parker, The Atom: Edward Norton. Sort of the opposite of being the Hulk. The Atom can shrink himself down to literally the atomic and perhaps even subatomic level. So small, he can ride the electronic signals from one telephone to another. His relationship with his ex-wife is one of the better and more key situations in the book.

5. Jean Loring: Wynona Ryder. The Atom’s ex-wife, with whom he begins to reconcile once she is targeted by whomever is attacking the League’s loved ones. She looks the part, and has the range to pull off the ups and downs. Also, I’d like to see her playing off of Norton.

6. Zatanna: Rachel Weisz. Sexy and brunette fits a few profiles in the DCU, but age-wise Z needs to be younger than Ralph or Oliver, but still old enough to have been in the original conspiracy with them. Rachel has the right look and can be the seductive magician and the most unwitting yet important part of the conspiracy. Plus, I want to see her in fishnets and a top hat.

7. Wally West, The Flash: Joseph Gordon-Levitt. One of the younger members of the league, Wally took on the mantle of the Flash after Barry Allen’s death. While smart, witty, and fun, Wally’s real role in IC is the discovery of seven of the original member’s conspiracy and subsequent joining of it, so this is mostly a dramatic role. After Brick and The Lookout, I think JGL has shown himself more than qualified.

8. Clark Kent, Superman: Brendan Fraser. While Brenden’s been my choice for Superman for a long time, I wouldn’t necessarily use him if I had the chance to reboot Superman right now, due to his age. That being said, his age would work in a cast where he is technically the oldest member. Although Superman doesn’t age like regular humans, Fraser’s held up well and needs to have authority in his voice. Plus, having been in both George of the Jungle and Gods & Monsters, it’s safe to say he can pull off both Clark and Supes.

9. Kyle Rayner, The Green Lantern: Sean Maher. My actual current choice for Superman, Sean can play the All-American fashion model-looking replacement for Hal Jordan (who had gone through a lot at this point, but was not yet a Green Lantern again). Mostly, his role in IC is to be a little wet behind the ears and unaware of the underbelly of being in the League.

10. Dinah Lance, The Black Canary: Diane Kruger. Daughter of the original Black Canary with a very similar name, Dinah has the power of sonic screaming, much like the X-Men’s Banshee. Her part in IC is basically to argue with the male leads about whether she can take care of herself when they get overprotective, and getting her ass handed to her by Deathstroke. (Everyone does, but this seems to be the only other think Canary does in the book.) After seeing her performance as the actress Von Hammersmark in Inglourious Basterds and Helen in Troy, it’s obvious to me that Diane can play beautiful, deadly, strong, and independent. Plus I want to see her in fishnets and leather.