My Top Twenty Genre Shows of All Time

20. Red Dwarf: for the laughs.
19. Dollhouse: for the characters, for the loss, for the cynicism, for the pessimism, for the paranoia, for the desolation.
18. Farscape: for the characters, for the loss, for the story, for science as magic, for the laughs.
17. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles: for the characters, for the loss.
16. Lost: for the characters, for the story, for the love.
15. Battlestar Galactica (2003): for the characters, for the story, for looking like you knew what you were doing.
14. Fringe: for science as magic.
13. The X-files: for the faith.
12. Carnivale: for the myth.
11. Millennium: for the faith.
10. Blake’s 7: for the pessimism.
9. Star Trek: The Next Generation/DS9/Voyager
8. Babylon 5: for the story.
7. Star Trek: Original Series: for the idealism.
6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel: for the laughs, for the loss and for the fight, the cynicism and the faith.
5. Trigun: for the laughs and the consequences.
4. The Prisoner: for the paranoia.
3. Firefly: for the laughs, the love, and the cynicism.
2. The Twilight Zone: for the twist.
1. Doctor Who (predominantly the 2000 revival)/Torchwood: for science as magic, for the laughs, for longevity, for the twist, for the optimism, for the pessimism, for the desolation, for the cynicism, for the faith, for the paranoia, for the love, and for the consequences.
(Also, on a completely unrelated note: White people have deluded themselves into thinking Dave Matthews Band is amazing but Hootie & the Blowfish was a fad they went through, thus proving they can easily accept a White man leading a band made up of minorities, but the inverse is just silly. Somehow, this explains Avatar, Fern Gully, Dune, Dances with Wolves, Dangerous Minds, Tarzan, Pathfinder, Davis’ character on Treme, the reason White 60s protesters at Civil Rights protests are ironically annoying and superior, and the popularity of Rebirth Brass Band at Le Bon Temps among White college students. Good day.)

8 Girls Who Cause a Lust in Me Bordering on Blind Rage

I have no idea what genetic imperative drives what “type” of girl we’re into, and how. I would suppose it has something to do with missing gene markers, things to correct defects, genetics we’re missing that would strengthen our line. But why do some girls make me fall for them on first glance, while others simply make me so horny that looking at them makes me hump my furniture? Then, there’s that perfect mix — the girl who gets your emotions and your hormones running hot simultaneously, so that you’re ready to kill motherfuckers to mate with them. Some are universal among males 18-dead, but this is about the level of blind lust and the armies I would slay.

So here are the ones that do it for me, to me, and need to make preemptive restraining orders:

8. Kristen Bell: I would stab a puppy right now for another season of Veronica Mars. I would still be watching Heroes if she was on it, and not care. I have nearly gone to see the reTARDed romantic comedies she’s been doing. Luckily, my shame is stronger than my lust. For now.

7. Lily Allen: Since she lost the weight and started eating healthier, she’s gotten so goddamn cute I want to hump a rainbow. True story.

6. Rose MacGowan: I know what you’re thinking. I know she’s batshit nuts. I don’t know why I don’t care, I just don’t. Also, usually a cleft chin makes me think, “Tranny!” But I don’t fucking care. Besides, before you judge me, think about Faruza Balk, who I’ve never gotten, personally, but most of you are obsessed with. Basically the same underlying principle.

5. Anna Kendrick: Jesus.
4. Christina Hendricks: If I have to explain this, go destroy your brain, because you are clinically dead yet still able to read this article, so you therefore must be a zombie.

3. Diora Baird: She’s smarter than she looks, but I don’t think I can actually make this assessment since deargodholyshitHOTWTFwhereamI?
2 & 1. Zooey Deschanel/Katy Perry: This pretty much counts as the same attraction. They are so the same type of girl physically I couldn’t give them each their own number. Zooey gets all my intellectual juices flowing, from her indie rock to her cutsie ways, but mostly it’s the eyes, the bangs, the voice. Her voice is like some sort of weird siren call. Whenever she talks I can’t think straight. Katy is dumb as a bag of rock salt with bigger tits, but has the same eyes and hair and basic face construction. Basically, she’s what the id-driven monkey somewhere deep inside me wants, and Zooey is the intellectualized version.

Favorite Albums of the Aughts

1 Radiohead – Kid A
2 Tori Amos – Scarlet’s Walk
3 Death Cab for Cutie – Plans
4 Thursday – Full Collapse
5 Decemberists – The Hazards of Love
6 Arcade Fire – Funeral
7 Pj Harvey – Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea
8 Damien Rice – O
9 Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
10 Tool – Lateralus
11 Bright Eyes – Fevers & Mirrors
12 Gnarls Barkley – St. Elsewhere
13 Nine Inch Nails – Year Zero
14 Feist – Let It Die
15 Panic at the Disco – Pretty. Odd.
16 The Mars Volta – Bedlam in Goliath
17 Glassjaw – Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Silence
18 Deftones – White Pony
19 Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins – Rabbit Fur Coat
20 Queens of the Stone Age – Songs for the Deaf