Identity Crisis Casting, pt. 2

11. Bruce Wayne, Batman: Jon Hamm. Jon is playing Bruce Wayne right now, as we speak on AMC’s Mad Men. Go on, I’ll wait. He’s so good he makes you re-think the whole Christian Bale thing, which takes a lot. But he’s in his forties already, which makes him bad for the superhero movie, but perfect for his seniority in IC to make sense. He even looks like the goddamn Rags Morales drawings.

12. Carter Hall, Hawkman: Josh Holloway. Basically, Hawkman grunts a lot, is taller than most of the cast, and punches people, while claiming dominance over the gamma heroes that are left when the big guys are away. Sounds like Sawyer to me.

13. Tim Drake, Robin: Thomas Dekker. I loved The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Come on, they’ve got the same hair, people? Plus, (SPOILER ALERT) he knows how to play someone who’s lost a dad.

14. Captain Boomerang: Chris Bauer. Hey! A villain. A lame one, yes, but still important. His lameness is exactly why he ends up being important, and his attempts at reconnecting with his lovechild he gave up for adoption 20 years ago is one of the very human storylines, and why I say IC is The Wire of comics. Chris himself was in the second season of The Wire, and his role on that, along with his look, are why I’ve chosen him.

15. Calculator: Steve Buscemi. Taking a hint from the Bat-crew’s use of Oracle, this formerly lame villain begins selling strategical information and hiring out mercinary villains as a middle man. It’s about Steve’s usual type of role.

16. Diana Prince, Wonder Woman: Jennifer Connelly. Wonder Woman can’t just be hot. She must be perfect. Beautiful in a way that defies logic, hair blacker than midnight, eyes bright by contrast, strong in will and moral certainty…with an amazing rack. Look, I’m not being sexist here, the fact is one of the ways she enters a scene in IC is with a caption reading, “I was impressed. He wasn’t staring at her rack,” to make clear the intimidation caused by the truth lasso. Anyway, Jennifer’s it, man.

17. Hal Jordan, The Spectre: Nathan Fillion. Other than, at this point Hal had gone evil, then sacrificed himself, only to come back as an angel of vengeance all as part of his plan to be a Green Lantern again (which he eventually succeeded at), do I even have to explain this? The…casting, I mean.

18. Barry Allen, The Flash: Ryan Reynolds. Barry’s dead, and so is relegated to flashbacks where he is only slightly older than Wally is now. I always liked Goyer’s casting of Ryan as The Flash, which is why him being Hal Jordan kind of irritates me.

19. Dr. Light: Alan Tudyk. Before you ask, yes, it was hard not to put the entire cast of Firefly in here. Anyway, the most important villain of the story, but screw you I’m not going back to put him higher, Dr. Light is usually the minor heroes like Teen Titans’ punching bag, but it is revealed he wasn’t always so simple. Alan’s role as (SPOILER ALERT) Alpha on Whedon’s Dollhouse has shown that he can play real evil and truly silly, and switch at a moment’s notice.

20. Slade Wilson, Deathstroke the Motherfucking Terminator: Christian Fucking Bale. The Batman of villains, Deathstroke has enhanced reflexes and strength, and uses 90% of his goddamn brain capacity. By the time you make a move, he’s thought of the counter you’re going to think of to his counter and what to do about the three guys you brought with you’s counters to his moves against them after you’re unconscious. Christian is my choice cuz, well, he’s still the fucking Batman, but now he’s the evil, one-eyed Batman who’s one of the only villains to ever have his own title that outsold most of the primary hero titles.

21. Dick Grayson, Nightwing: James Marsden. This guy’s great, and looks so much like a superhero. Why does he have to keep playing second fiddle to bad-asses? Let’s wash the cyclops taste out of his mouth, and let him work out the aggression over never getting the girl in a superhero movie by letting him be that guy: Dick Grayson, successfully beating his way out of the shadow of the Robin mantle.
22. Arthur King, Merlyn: Jason Patric. Stupidest. Name. Ever. …Anyway, this is basically evil Green Arrow, and is one of the primary antagonists, going with Meltzer’s theme of realistically portraying the mortiest of characters in the DC basement.

23. Starfire: Diora Baird. And finally, my coup de grâce, and probably subconsciously the only reason I did this fucking list. Starfire is realllly hot. She’s orange with solid green eyes and reddish hair. She’s built like a brick shithouse, and she wears next to nothing, and it’s all purple. She is an alien who’s insulted by the word “trock.” She is the only character who is only in two panels of the book I’ve bothered to cast. Diora Baird is one of those people that if I see a picture of her, my entire body raises 4 degrees and I begin breathing heavier. Seriously, I’ll probably go see Stan Helsing simply to watch the ongoing joke of everyone finding excuses to touch her boobs. I mean, come on. Look at her!!

Advertisements